On being prepared for a colonoscopy

I have an appointment with my ass man on Monday.

The time has come for Dr. Sarkis Chobanian to shine a light on my darkest depths. It’s colonoscopy time in Tennessee!

“Bless me, Father, it’s been three years since my last scope.”

Frankly, I can’t wait.

I’m not afraid of the procedure. At all.

First, the drugs are awesome and the nap is fabulous. Plus, since my back door is permanently shut, I don’t have to turn over on my side. There is no anticipating a foreign object making a rear entrance. I get to take a nap while Dr. C slides the scope into my ostomy. I won’t feel a thing.

I’m not afraid of the prep either.

A lot of people avoid colonoscopies because they’ve heard nightmare stories about volcanic anal eruptions, spending hours on the porcelain throne, freezer-cooled toilet paper and dabbing the corn hole instead of wiping.

Truth is, today’s prep is not quite the colon blow it once was. Things still move at a rapid pace, mind you, and you don’t want to go shopping lest your streak marks get featured on People of Walmart.

The prep is even more exciting when you have a colostomy bag, let me tell you. I’ve learned to swap bags with the speed of a NASCAR pit crew lest I unintentionally paint the bathroom a horrible shade of brown.

I’m a compliant patient when it comes to the prep, which truly starts three days before the big event. There will be no diet cheat day this weekend. Lots of soft foods. No nuts or seeds. Sunday will feature clear liquids only before the laxatives go down late in the afternoon and the real fun begins.

Still, and I’ve said this before, I would go through the prep and get a colonoscopy every day to never hear the words “you have cancer” ever again.

In fact, that’s the one fear I have about Monday. Hearing those words.

Sarah and I have talked about this. Of all the tests I undergo on the regular to stay vigilant, the scope is the one we worry about because that’s how our cancer journey started five years ago.

I’m not really worried about Dr. C finding cancer again. I feel fine and I don’t have any funky digestive symptoms even thought that doesn’t really mean much. He may find polyps. Dr. C found one during my scope a year after diagnosis, but I was clean the year after that thus the three-year reprieve.

So, I have a colonoscopy on Monday. All will be well, even if it’s not. Thanks be to God.